Survivor's Guilt

 I carry guilt around every day, guilt for two big reasons: my health and my faith.

 I was diagnosed in January 2020 at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic after having my first known stroke sometime in March 2019. I had my first surgery during a global pandemic at St. Mary's Hospital in Rochester on March 26, 2021. So that's about 2 years from symptoms to surgery. I am very lucky, because I have decent insurance and a supportive (financially, logistically, emotionally) family. I am having another surgery on September 29, 2021. Again, lucky.

Moyamoya is not a common disease, but I do have a friend who was diagnosed 6 months before I was. They struggled for years to get a diagnosis, having strokes and seizures the whole time. They have not yet scheduled any kind of surgery as the disease continues to progress and they continue to have strokes. 

I feel tremendously guilty that my friend hasn't had the luck that I've had. I'm not more worthy than they are. In no way am I more deserving of life-saving treatment than anyone else. I'm resentful that the system that mostly works for me has failed them. I feel powerless to help. 

I was born on a Monday. Six days later on the following Sunday my parents took me to church. I grew up knowing and believing that God loved me, just as my parents loved me. Sin was not something I remember worrying about. Hell was mentioned every week in the Apostle's Creed, but it was not a focus. At church, I was never told that I was going to hell. We were all sinners, saved by the grace of Jesus Christ and the love of God. I was never told that people who don't believe the same things as me were going to hell. I was never shamed because of my body. I was never shamed because of who I spent time with. As a cisgender straight woman, I was never shamed for who I loved, but nor did anyone ever say that homosexuality was wrong at my church. I never heard "hate the sin, love the sinner." When a classmate killed himself, I never thought or was told that they were suffering in hell. My church has not covered up a system of perpetuating abuse for decades. We allow and encourage women, men, queer, lesbian, gay, bisexual, black, brown, and/or white people to become pastors and church leaders.

My faith as never betrayed me. I am proud today to belong to and work for a church that is welcoming of all. I have never felt as though everything I learned in Sunday School was a lie. I have never felt damaged by what I learned at my church.

I feel a terrible, unreasonable guilt that not everyone has had such a positive experience in their faith. I want to share that church and God can be loving, nurturing, guiding presences in our lives. I don't want to minimize anyone's pain. All I can do is listen share, and welcome.