Parenting is hard. I knew it would be, was expecting it to be, but it is still incredibly hard. There were times that first month I wondered why we thought we wanted a child. Why did we think we could adapt to this and handle the mental and physical exhaustion, the strain on our relationship, and the new demands on our time? And that's completely separate from my being pregnant, and the upheavals that resulted. AND I had an easy pregnancy. AND we have a sweet, mellow baby who is very nice to us and actually sleeps. Clearly we're insane.
Let this be a caution and my unsolicited advice to anyone considering having a baby, anyone not sure if they want to have kids, or anyone being pressured to have children when they don't really want to.
For the first two: really think about it. Talk it over with your partner until you're repeating yourselves. Discuss the same things over and over again. Seriously, my husband and I have talked over our ideas on child-rearing ad nauseum for more than ten years. Discuss your game plan for every stage of your child's life, then throw that out the window because your kid doesn't care about your plans. Our girl was born on the first day of classes, perhaps Andy's busiest day of the entire year. Oh, you want to be on time to work, your doctor's appointment, or this family event? No. You will never or rarely be on time again.Get ready to call everyone ahead to let them know that you're running late. Let it go. Remember your plans, but be prepared to ignore them.
Really think about your reasons. Why do you want a child? Babies are adorable, but they grow up. Annoying toddlers always asking why and saying no; children with homework and projects and bake sales who need your immediate attention; teenagers (shudder). Someday, my sweet girl will tell me she hates me, and wishes Lindsey or Thalia was her mommy.
For the last person, if you don't want children, don't have them. Do not let anyone try to talk you into it for any reason. If your partner or parent is trying to convince you that you do want children, do not give in until or unless you decide and are sure that YOU want children. Don't do it just to make your partner or parent happy. Don't get pregnant (or adopt) to try to mend a strained or broken relationship. Every child deserves to be wanted and loved for themselves, not as a white flag or bandage. They do not deserve the responsibility of fixing your relationship with your parents or your partner, or yourself! Your child will not be an extension of yourself that you can control or manipulate. Each kidlet is their own independent person who is going to thwart your expectations and constantly surprise you, hopefully in wonderful ways.
That's why I wanted a child. I wanted to know what kind of amazing person Andy and I could begin to create. Now let's hope that our beautiful experiment doesn't explode in our faces. Unlike diapers.
